Everything I Hate About SoulCycle (And Yes I Will Go Back)

For the corporate team at SoulCyle who just received this article in their google alert, don’t worry, this isn’t a hit piece. In fact I just took two classes during my latest trip to Washington D.C. SoulCycle is brilliant: 45 minutes, great cardio, loud music, a dark room, and insanely consistent branding.

But even for the SoulCycle enthusiasts, they’ve GOT to agree with me on the following quirks and pet peeves about this cult style class.

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Watching the Instructors Dismount Their Bike and Dance

Wait, are you leading a spin class or are you a DJ? (Answer: Wanna-Be-DJ) Teachers love to get off their bikes and dance, and be like…really cool, all the while pumping some s-i-c-k beats.

High Ponytails or Braids

I mean the longest hair in the world, all in a top pony tail, which is obviously designed to accentuate the bike dancing that is about to commence. Reference photo above…

The Instructors Suddenly Assume a Lisp During the 45 Minute Class

Let me be clear, this is not intended to offend people who do have a lisp. It’s this weird thing about SoulCycle instructors, when they stand on that podium, suddenly their voices transform, using a particular SoulCycle approved cadence, talking through tight teeth, and burying the microphone inside their mouth. “You guy-sh can do this.” The clench-jaw-lisp is just the worst.

The Students Think the Instructors are REALLY Funny

Do you remember that scene in Wet Hot American Summer when the camp puts on a play and the audience thinks everything is INSANELY funny? Well that is what happens at SoulCycle classes, the riders sit there with heart shaped, SoulCycle spokes in their eyes and they hang on to the instructors words as if they are the most inspirational, and funny, people they have ever met. Each time I take class, I look around at my fellow riders with confusion as they belly laugh at the dumbest stories.

The Bike Bob

You know what I’m talking about. The ladies who arrive to class early to get some extra mileage in, it’s just the way they bob on the bike. It’s so…perky.

The Shake Shack Burger I Crushed Before Class

So now is where I get real for a moment…part of my annoyance may be rooted in the Shake Shack burger I mowed 30 minutes before class.

Will I go back to SoulCycle? Yes.

Will I roll my eyes? Yes.

And will I get a good work out? Hell yes.

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